I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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