Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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