someone threw a dead crab at me
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
