Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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