I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I cannot find my penis.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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