Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
