I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
