I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
