I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
