She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
