I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
