I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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