My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
