my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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