I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
