I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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