I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
