I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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