Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
