i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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