The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
