you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
