While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
