now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
