He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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