did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
