My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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