I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
