I think my fart just growled at me.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
