a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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