Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
