I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
