Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
So many bounce houses so little time
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
