My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
