Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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