hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
