At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
