My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
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