he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
