My cat gives me a boner
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
