Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
false alarm, still single
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
