I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
