if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
