I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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