Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
