Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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