You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
