Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
