I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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