I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Please, let me fuck your mom
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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