I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
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